Random Stressful Thoughts

I think I need to pray more often. I'm so stressed out right now, it's not even funny. I've been at home since June 1, and the boys are not getting any better. They fight non-stop, they hit, punch, scream. It's no wonder I've had an ongoing headache since last week. I just don't know what to do. It seems as though my 6 yr old has never got over us having my little one (who is almost 3 now). It is a constant battle. And I go through this guilt complex....why did I have my little one? Will Drew ever get over it? I yell, and scream, and punish (time out, privledges taken away, and spanking as the last resort). Am I crushing their spirits? I want to be a good mommy, but I also want them to take me seriously. I also want them to respect authority, and be grateful for what they have. It is such a fine line. I want to cater to them, let them have everything they want, buy them stuff in over abundance, spoil them, take them places. But I can't, because when I do that, they get ungrateful, unrespectful, and down right rowdy. I am a passive person, and it is so hard not to let them walk all over me. How do I punish in love? How do I be a good mommy, but still set boundaries? How do I have my perfect little family without crushing someone's spirits? I just wanna be their friend, but I've learned, that you can't be mommy and friend at the same time. Another weight I have on my shoulders is that the education of my child is in my hands solely. What if I fail? What if I crush his learning desire by not be the most patient person I can be? I am so worried about this. I've even just considered going back to work full time, and paying for him to be in private school, while I pay for the little one to be in daycare. It would take all of my paycheck, but would it be worth it to have some sanity knowing my child is definitely getting a good education? I know it would be hard to go back to full time work. I've done it before, where you are gone 12 hours a day (with the commute and dropping and picking up at daycare and school), then you come home to a stressful house, trying to get homework done, dinner cooked, baths taken, and Bible story read, so that you can make it to bed before midnight, in order to start all over the next day. And the weekends are not filled with quality family time either, they are filled with the week of overflowed dishes, grocery shopping, laundry, and other errands that didn't get done. Let's face it, there is no easy outlet. I guess I am expecting life to be a little easier. I just feel like a failure on auto pilot all of the time (if I can't do anything with them to correct the behavior, just let them do it, and ignore it). I am guilty of putting them in front of the TV, just to keep them from fighting. Because, if the TV is on, one of them is ingrossed in it at all times. That keeps them away from each other. I can't wait for school to start (preschool that is, where I work), for us to get a solid routine. I will also put Drew in organized sports this fall, to keep his focus. I guess, if I can just hold on a few more weeks, we will be back to our routine of busy, busy, busy, and maybe we can fix some of the behavior problems, since I think some of them now stem from being bored. We just can't afford to go somewhere everyday (considering going somewhere usually involves spending money). I hate to be outside when it is so hot, and the mosquitos are horrible here. I've gotta get some structure here. Ok, well enough venting for me. I guess eventually they will get on track, hopefully before they are 20. Hopefully by that time, they will be able to tell me thank you for being a good mommy, and teaching them how to appreciate things, and respect people.

My baby is 6!

So, today is the 6th birthday of my Drew man. For some reason, this makes me sad, and happy. I try not to be sad. But, 6 years ago he was a tiny infant and now he is a big boy making decisions of his own. I love him to pieces, but sometimes I just wish he was that baby again. However, I am VERY happy to have had the past 6 years with him. He is SO much fun! We've had many, many good times in the past 6 years. I guess time does fly when you're having fun. He is going into the 1st grade, reading, writing and overall loving life. He loves the outdoors, fishing, video games, TV, playing with Matt, and just getting downright sweaty (gross!). I'd never been around many boys before he was born. And when he was delivered I remember thinking "what am I going to do with a boy?". He has taught me a lot about being uptight and clean. I love him so much, and I hope to have many, many more birthdays with him in the future. Happy Birthday Drew! I love you!